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第11章 放弃是为了更好地爱 (3)

While settling this point, Elisabeth was suddenly roused by the sound of the door bell, and her spirits were a little fluttered by the idea of its being Colonel Fitzwilliam himself, who had once before called late in the evening, and might now come to enquire particularly after her. But this idea was soon banished, and her spirits were very differently affected, when, to her utter amazement, she saw Mr. Darcy walk into the room. In a hurried manner he immediately began an enquiry after her health, imputing his visit to a wish of hearing that she was better. She answered him with cold civility. He sat down for a few moments, and then getting up, walked about the room. Elizabeth was surprised, but said not a word. After a silence of several minutes, he came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began,

“In vain have I struggled It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

Elizabeth’s astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, colored, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her immediately followed. He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority, of its being a degradation, of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit.

In spite of her deeply-rooted dislike, she could not be insensible to the compliment of such a man’s affection, and though her intentions did not vary for an instant, she was at first sorry for the pain he was to receive; till, roused to resentment by his subsequent language, she lost all compassion in anger. She tried, however, to compose herself to answer him with patience, when he should have done. He concluded with representing to her the strength of that attachment which, in spite of all his endeavour, he had found impossible to conquer; and with expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of his hand. As he said this, she could easily see that he had no doubt of a favourable answer. He spoke of apprehension and anxiety, but his countenance expressed real security. Such a circumstance could only exasperate farther, and when he ceased, the colour rose into her cheeks, and she said,

“In such cases as this, it is, I believe, the established mode to express a sense of obligation for the sentiments avowed, however unequally they may be returned. It is natural that obligation should be felt, and if I could feel gratitude, I would now thank you. But I cannot - I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly. I am sorry to have occasioned pain to any one. It has been most unconsciously done, however, and I hope will be of short duration. The feelings which, you tell me, have long prevented the acknowledgment of your regard, can have little difficulty in overcoming it after this explanation.”

伊丽莎白正在转着这种念头,突然听到门铃响,她以为是费茨威廉来了,心头不由得跳起来,因为他有一天晚上就是来得很晚的,这回可能是特地来问候她。但是她立刻就知道猜错了,出乎她的意料,走进屋来的是达西先生,于是她情绪上又是另一种感觉。他立刻匆匆忙忙问她身体好了没有,又说他是特地来听她复元的好消息的。她客客气气地敷衍了他一下。他坐了几分钟,就站起身来,在房间里踱来踱去。伊丽莎白心里很奇怪,可是嘴上一言未发。沉默了几分钟以后,他带着激动的神态走到她跟前说:

“我实在没有办法死捱活撑下去了。这怎么行。我的感情再也压制不住了。请允许我告诉你,我多么敬慕你,多么爱你。”

伊丽莎白真是说不出的惊奇。她瞪着眼,红着脸,满腹狐疑,闭口不响。他看这情形,便认为她是在怂恿他讲下去,于是立刻把目前和以往对她的种种好感全都和盘托出。他说得很动听,除了倾诉爱情以外,又把其它种种感想也原原本本说出来了。他一方面千言万语地表示深情密意,但是另一方面却又说了许许多多傲慢无礼的话。他觉得她出身低微,觉得自己是迁就她,而且家庭方面的种种障碍,往往会使他的见解和他的心愿不能相容并存——他这样热烈地倾诉,虽然显出他这次举动的慎重,却未必能使他的求婚受到欢迎。

尽管她对他的厌恶之心根深蒂固,她究竟不能对这样一个男人的一番盛情漠然无动于衷;虽说她的意志不曾有过片刻的动摇,可是她倒也体谅到他将会受到痛苦,因此颇感不安,然而他后来的那些话引起了她的怨恨,她那一片怜惜之心便完全化成了愤怒。不过,她还是竭力镇定下来,以便等他把话说完,耐心地给他一个回答。未了,他跟她说,他对她的爱情是那么强烈,尽管他一再努力克服,结果还是克服不了,他又向她表明自己的希望,说是希望她能接受他的求婚。她一下子就看出他说这些话的时候,显然自认为她毫无问题会给他满意的回答。他虽然口里说他自己又怕又急,可是表情上却是一副万无一失的样子。这只惹得她更加愤怒;等他讲完话以后,她就红着脸说:

“遇到这一类的事情,通常的方式是这样的:人家对你一片好心好意,你即使不能给以同样的报答,也得表示一番感激,我现在就得向你表示谢意。可惜我没有这种感觉。我从来不稀罕你的抬举,何况你抬举我也是十分勉强。我从来不愿意让任何人感到痛苦,纵使惹得别人痛苦,也是绝对出于无心,而且我希望很快就会事过境迁。你跟我说,以前你顾虑到种种方面,因此没有能够向我表明你对我的好感,那么,现在经过我这番解释之后,你一定很容易把这种好感克制下来。”

In Love’s Arms在爱的怀抱里

“I’m going to marry you one day.” Beth said to her long time crush Jake. She wore her favorite blue teddy bear shirt. Her four-year-old blue eyes shined in the sun.

“No you’re not, you’re a girl.” Jake said.

The California afternoon wind blew his light brown hair. Jumping off the monkey bars he laughed back to class.

Sitting alone and confused she didn’t know what to do. Beth sat high on the monkey bars crying. How can her future husband just leave like that?

She was going to get him, but how? “I will not let him get away! I won’t! I won’t!”

15 years later:

“I love you, too, Jake.” Hanging up the phone she caught her mom smiling. “What?”

“When is he coming in from France? He’s been there for awhile.” She sat down on her black leather couch. The house was made up of different Indian stuff. On the walls were different dream catchers. Her mother was a full blood Cherokee Indian. She passed away when Beth was eight.

“He has a lot of schooling to do right now. Maybe this Saturday.”

Fixing her short overalls she thought of Jake. Who would have thought they were going to date when she turned five?

“Is he still living in Colorado?” Her mother Kay wore a white tank top with tan pants. And long blonde hair with pretty blue eyes. She was the most beautiful woman on Earth. And Beth is looking like her by the minute.

“Yeah, I hate having a long distance relationship.” She plopped on a leather chair.

“It’s ok baby, you know he loves you more than anything in this world. Love will keep you together.”

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