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第10章 意犹未尽的思念 (10)

Ah how could I possibly admit an infirmity in the one sense which should have been more perfect in me than in others, a sense which I once possessed in highest perfection, a perfection such as few surely in my profession enjoy or ever have enjoyed. O I cannot do it, therefore forgive me when you see me draw back when I would gladly mingle with you, my misfortune is doubly painful because it must lead to my being misunderstood, for me there can be no recreation in society of my fellows, refined intercourse, mutual exchange of thought, only just as little as the greatest needs command may I mix with society.

I must live like an exile, if I approach near to people a hot terror seizes upon me, a fear that I may be subjected to the danger of letting my condition be observed, thus it has been during the last half year which I spent in the country, commanded by my intelligent physician to spare my hearing as much as possible, in this almost meeting my present natural disposition, although I sometimes ran counter to it, yielding to my inclination for society, but what a humiliation when one stood beside me and heard a flute in the distance and I heard nothing, or someone heard the shepherd singing and again I heard nothing, such incidents brought me to the verge of despair, but little more and I would have put an end to my life, only art it was that withheld me, ah it seemed impossible to leave the world until I had produced all that I felt called upon to produce, and so I endured this wretched existence, truly wretched, and excitable body which a sudden change can throw from the best into the worst state. Patience, it is said I must now choose for my guide. I have done so, I hope my determination will remain firm to endure until it pleases the inexorable Parcae to break the thread, perhaps I shall get better, perhaps not, I am prepared.

To you brother Carl I give special thanks for the attachment you have displayed toward me of late. It is my wish that your lives may be better and freer from care than I have had, recommend virtue to your children, it alone can give happiness, not money, I speak from experience, it was virtue that upheld me in misery, to it next to my art I owe the fact that I did not end my life by suicide.

Farewell and love each other. I thank all my friends, particularly Prince Lichnowsky and Professor Schmid. I desire that the instruments from Prince L. be preserved by one of you but let no quarrel result from this, so soon as they can serve you a better purpose sell them, how glad will I be if I can still be helpful to you in my grave, with joy I hasten toward death, if it comes before I shall have had an opportunity to show all my artistic capacities it will still come too early for me despite my hard fate and I shall probably wish that it had come later, but even then I am satisfied, will it not free me from a state of endless suffering? Come when thou wilt I shall meet thee bravely, Farewell and do not wholly forget me when I am dead. I deserve this of you in having often in life thought of you, how to make you happy, be so...

Heiglnstadt,

October 6th, 1802

Ludwig van Beethoven

给我的兄弟卡尔和(约翰)贝多芬:

啊,兄弟们,你们说我心肠不好、固执而又厌世,你们多么冤枉我啊!你们只看到外表,却根本不知道其中的原因。我自幼性情温和善良,总想将来做一番事业。然而想想,六年前我得了这种不治之症,又被庸医耽误,病情日益恶化。我起初不知道受他们愚弄,总希望能慢慢治好,可最后却不得不面对终身残疾的命运(这种病需要很多年才能治好,也许根本就治不好)。我天生热情、活跃,喜欢社交,但现在年纪轻轻就被迫离群索居、与世隔绝。有时我试图忘记这一切,但由于耳聋,我常遭到非常严酷的挫折,这种经历非常惨痛,我总不能每次都对人家说“大声点,使劲嚷,我耳聋”吧!

我怎么好意思公开承认我的耳朵有问题呢?我的听觉一直比别人好——以前非常灵敏,同行中很少有人能和我比——这是毫无疑问的,所以,我实在说不出口。当你们看到我躲开你们时(其实我非常想和大家交往),请你们原谅我。我的遭遇真是非常痛苦,它必然会引起别人对我的误解。对我而言,再不能和朋友们一起娱乐、共同交谈、切磋思想了。除非万不得已,我总是避免和外界接触。

我不得不像个流亡者,因为当我和别人接近时,会立刻感到恐惧,总担心自己的情况被别人发现,这半年来一直是这样。这半年来,我是完全按照医生的嘱咐在乡间度过的,这样做是为了尽量减少使用听觉,这也完全符合我目前的心愿。然而,我有时又违背医生的嘱咐,控制不住对社会的向往。可是,每当身边的人听见远处的笛声,而我却什么也听不见,或有人听见牧歌,而我又一无所闻时,我感到的是一种多大的羞耻啊!这些事情把我推到绝望的边缘,如果再遇到一两件这种事情,我就会马上自杀,可艺术制止了我。如果我不能把自己认为必须创造出来的作品全部创作出来,我绝不能离开人间!因此,我又不得不忍受这种痛苦的生活,这实在是痛苦极了。我的身体容易过敏,只要有一点儿突然的变化,就会从最好的情况变成最坏。忍耐,人们说我应该选择它做我的向导,我已经这样做了,并且我希望能长久保持下去,直到公正的命运之神宣布我的生命终结。也许我的病会慢慢好起来,也许不会,对此我是有心理准备的。

卡尔弟弟,对你最近对我的深情,我感激不尽。愿你们此生的幸福比我多些,苦恼比我少些。你们要用道德教育儿女,因为能给人幸福的是道德,而非金钱——这是我的经验。在痛苦时能支持我的就是道德。我之所以没有走极端,除了为我的艺术外,其次就应归功于道德。

再见,愿你们相亲相爱,感谢我所有的朋友,尤其是李赫诺斯基亲王和许密特教授。我希望你们两人中有一个人能替我保存李赫诺斯基亲王送给我的那些乐器,但不要为此引起争执。一旦这些东西对你们有更大的用途时,你们可以把它们卖掉。在九泉之下,还能对你们有所帮助,我将感到多么高兴啊!我将坦然迎接死神,但如果在发挥我的全部艺术才能之前死去,我觉得还是太早了些。尽管命运坎坷,我还是希望那一天晚些到来。不过,即使早死,我也会心满意足的。这样不就能把我从无穷无尽的苦难中解脱出来吗?你们愿意什么时候来就来吧,我会鼓起勇气见你们的。再见,我死后不要很快就把我忘掉。你们不应该这样,因为我在世的时候是如此想念你们,并想着如何使你们快乐。但愿……

路德维格·凡·贝多芬

1802年10月6日

于海格伦斯塔特

stubborn [stbn] adj. 固执的;执拗的;难以去除(或对付)的

Facts are stubborn things.

事实是难以搪塞的东西。

accomplish [kmpli] v. 完成

Hurry does not accomplish anything.

欲速则不达。

aggravate [鎟veit] v. 使严重;使恶化;惹恼

Stress is believed to aggravate dandruff, although it is not the

cause of it.

尽管并非直接的原因,心理压力仍被认为会加速头皮屑的产生。

mutual [mju:tul] adj. 相互的;彼此的 ;共同的

They have mutual admiration and then mutual love.

他们彼此倾慕,尔后彼此相爱。

我不得不像个流亡者,因为我和别人接近时,会立刻感到恐惧,总担心自己的情况被别人发现。

愿你们此生的幸福比我多些,苦恼比我少些。

你们要用道德教育儿女,因为能给人幸福的是道德,而非金钱——这是我的经验。

I was compelled early to isolate myself, to live in loneliness.

be compelled to:被迫;被强迫

Therefore forgive me when you see me draw back when I would gladly mingle with you.

draw back:退回;退开

林肯致江斯顿

Abraham Lincoln to D. Johnston

亚伯拉罕·林肯(1809—1865),美国历史上最富人格魅力与传奇色彩的总统。他出生于农民家庭,先后担任过州议员、律师、众议员。1860年,林肯当选为美国总统,着手废除奴隶制,在任期间发表了《解放宣言》,提出了“民有、民治、民享”的口号。在南方诸州提出分裂以后,他领导人民进行了南北战争,重新统一了美国。1864年,林肯获得连任。1865年4月14日,他被一个戏剧演员暗杀。

江斯顿是林肯继母的儿子,他来信向林肯借钱,林肯以此信回复了他。

Dear Johnston,

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