AUNTIE
A Southern nonsense tale.
Epaminondas used to go to see his Auntie 'most every day, and she nearly always gave him something to take home to his Mammy.
One day she gave him a big piece of cake; nice, yellow, rich gold- cake.
Epaminondas took it in his fist and held it all scrunched up tight, like this, and came along home.By the time he got home there wasn't anything left but a fistful of crumbs.His Mammy said,--"What you got there, Epaminondas?" "Cake, Mammy," said Epaminondas.
"Cake!" said his Mammy."Epaminondas, you ain't got the sense you was born with! That's no way to carry cake.The way to carry cake is to wrap it all up nice in some leaves and put it in your hat, and put your hat on your head, and come along home.You hear me, Epaminondas?""Yes, Mammy," said Epaminondas.
Next day Epaminondas went to see his Auntie, and she gave him a pound of butter for his Mammy; fine, fresh, sweet butter.
Epaminondas wrapped it up in leaves and put it in his hat, and put his hat on his head, and came along home.It was a very hot day.Pretty soon the butter began to melt.It melted, and melted, and as it melted it ran down Epaminondas' forehead; then it ran over his face, and in his ears, and down his neck.When he got home, all the butter Epaminondas had was ON HIM.His Mammy looked at him, and then she said,--"Law's sake! Epaminondas, what you got in your hat?" "Butter, Mammy," said Epaminondas; "Auntie gave it to me.""Butter!" said his Mammy."Epaminondas, you ain't got the sense you was born with! Don't you know that's no way to carry butter? The way to carry butter is to wrap it up in some leaves and take it down to the brook, and cool it in the water, and cool it in the water, and cool it in the water, and then take it on your hands, careful, and bring it along home.""Yes, Mammy," said Epaminondas.
By and by, another day, Epaminondas went to see his Auntie again, and this time she gave him a little new puppy-dog to take home.
Epaminondas put it in some leaves and took it down to the brook; and there he cooled it in the water, and cooled it in the water, and cooled it in the water; then he took it in his hands and came along home.When he got home, the puppy-dog was dead.His Mammy looked at it, and she said,--"Law's sake! Epaminondas, what you got there?" "A puppy-dog, Mammy," said Epaminondas.
"A PUPPY-DOG!" said his Mammy."My gracious sakes alive, Epaminondas, you ain't got the sense you was born with! That ain't the way to carry a puppy-dog! The way to carry a puppy-dog is to take a long piece of string and tie one end of it round the puppy-dog's neck and put the puppy-dog on the ground, and take hold of the other end of the string and come along home, like this.""All right, Mammy," said Epaminondas.
Next day, Epaminondas went to see his Auntie again, and when he came to go home she gave him a loaf of bread to carry to his Mammy; a brown, fresh, crusty loaf of bread.
So Epaminondas tied a string around the end of the loaf and took hold of the end of the string and came along home, like this.(Imitate dragging something along the ground.) When he got home his Mammy looked at the thing on the end of the string, and she said,--"My laws a-massy! Epaminondas, what you got on the end of that string?""Bread, Mammy," said Epaminondas; "Auntie gave it to me." "Bread!!!" said his Mammy."O Epaminondas, Epaminondas, you ain'tgot the sense you was born with; you never did have the sense you was born with; you never will have the sense you was born with! Now I ain't gwine tell you any more ways to bring truck home.And don't you go see your Auntie, neither.I'll go see her my own self.But I'll just tell you one thing, Epaminondas! You see these here six mince pies I done make? You see how I done set 'em on the doorstep to cool? Well, now, you hear me, Epaminondas, YOU BE CAREFUL HOW YOU STEP ON THOSE PIES!""Yes, Mammy," said Epaminondas.
Then Epaminondas' Mammy put on her bonnet and her shawl and took a basket in her hand and went away to see Auntie.The six mince pies sat cooling in a row on the doorstep.
And then,--and then,--Epaminondas WAS careful how he stepped on those pies!
He stepped (imitate)--right--in-- the--middle--of--every--one.........And, do you know, children, nobody knows what happened next! The person who told me the story didn't know; nobody knows.But you can guess.
